


Behind the Hate

by laughablyunimportant



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Documentaries, Hate Sex, Interviews, M/M, Post-Sburb/Sgrub
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-17
Updated: 2012-06-17
Packaged: 2018-06-04 08:54:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6651250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughablyunimportant/pseuds/laughablyunimportant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Posted in response to a 2012 HSO prompt to mashup documentary + suddenly in love.</p><p>The result?<br/>Behind the Spades, Behind the Hate<br/>Join us for tonight's special documentary in which we get exclusive interviews with John Egbert, the first human to ever experience true kismessisitude, and his troll paramour, Karkat Vantas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind the Hate

[We hold the interview in Mr. Egbert's childhood home, which he sometimes shares with his new alien partner. He welcomes me at the door, relaxed in a pair of khakis and a blue shirt, asking that I remove my shoes in the entryway. The place is tidy, if odd, a strange mix of human suburbia and oddly organic alien touches. Egbert leads me to his kitchen, offering refreshments, asking me how my flight was, and making general small talk. He seems like a friendly, well-adjusted individual, and I can't help wondering how someone like him ended up in his unique position. He seems startled by my question, giving me a good-natured laugh.]

EGBERT: Hehe, well, it's not exactly something I was trying to do or anything? I mean, no one tries to fall in love, right!  
INTERVIEWER: Is that what you would call it? Being in love?

[He ducks his head, smiling.]

EGBERT: Well, no, not really. The trolls call it hate? But I don't know what to call it. I don't hate Karkat! He's just very, punchable.   
INTERVIEWER: The two of you hurt each other?  
EGBERT: Heh, he wishes! He can barely land a hit on me. I've got all the mangrit. All of it!

[Mr. Vantas, by comparison, is very secretive and confrontational. He insists on holding the interview in a public place, with his friend present, but demands that the public area by cleared of all civilians. He also insists that it is the film crew's responsibility to provide him with fresh roe cubes and Italian blend frappuccinos, but seems too suspicious of the food and drink to ingest them. His appearance, like his behavior, is atypical of what we've heard of the aliens; he appears to be no more than five foot four, wearing an oversized sweater that he repeatedly pulls at to cover more skin. Between that and his mop of unruly hair, the alien seems literally encased in a layer of protection.]

VANTAS: He said _what_?  
INTERVIEWER: Mr. Egbert indicated to me that he's the aggressor in the relationship.  
VANTAS: Listen here fucknuggets, the only thing John's the aggressor of is choking down my bulge like the desperate sex-crazed moronic psychopath he so clearly is. Why your kind hasn't branded him as criminally insane and removed his puckered-asshole of a face from the surface of the planet already is beyond me, but I guess I should thank you since the only thing that could possibly be worse than having John Egbert as your kismesis is _not_ having John Egbert as your kismesis.  
INTERVIEWER: Uh.  
VANTAS: Fuck me, do I have to explain this to you shitstains again? Listen you egregious excuse for a living being, there are four kinds of romance. Four. This pitiable fuck [Mr. Vantas gestures to the alien who accompanied him] is my moirail.  
MAKARA: What the motherfuck is up my brothers?  
VANTAS: Nothing, we're fine—are you fine? Did they get you the cookies like I asked? Hey, you! Bring him more cookies! I don't give a fuck what your job _used_ to be, it just became make my moirail happy or I will walk out of this shoot and sue the everliving fuck out of you, your crew, and every person you've so much as sneezed at from the day of your miserable birth til now, you waste-of-air pus-spewing illiterate _asshole_.   
VANTAS: Uh. What were we talking about.  
INTERVIEWER: Do you and Mr. Egbert physically harm eachother as a normal part of your relationship?  
VANTAS: Oh my god, you really are retarded, aren't you. Listen up, that's what kismesises _do_ , if you don't walk away bleeding from a round with your kismesis, it's because you can't walk at all.  
VANTAS: Don't take that literally, that would make you the second worst kismesis of all time, you don't want to fucking maim your partner, and no bulgemuncher, it's not because they won't be able to put up as much fight afterwards like _some_ amateur romance analysts believe, it's because if you were able to damage them that badly, they weren't a good match for you as a kismesis anyway. So trust me when I say that the term 'lying prick too dumb to know what's good for him spewing diarrheic bullshit from his mouth at a bunch of asshats who are probably going to be the death of him, too full of good intention to leave well the fuck enough alone' doesn't even begin to cover Egbert and me.

INTERVIEWER: How do you handle yourself with Mr. Vantas? He seems a little…  
EGBERT: Douchey?  
INTERVIEWER: Aggressive.  
EGBERT: Hahaha, oh man, but that's the best part! Riling up Karkat isn't even hard, the real challenge is getting him so twisted around that he's yelling the exact opposite thing he believes, because he's too stupid to realize you're playing him!  
INTERVIEWER: That seems a little cruel.

[He shrugs.]

EGBERT: Cruel is dumping a bunch of babies in a maze and making them find their way on their own. Cruel is those babies getting totally random guardians, that may not care about their kids at all, that may need more taking care of than the kid does, that for sure don't understand the kid. And cruel is telling those kids that they need to find a relationship, one that fits these rigid forms, one that's boxed in and labeled and follows all the right rules, or they'll die. Actual kismesissitude? That's pretty tame.  
INTERVIEWER: But there's still the potential for serious injury.  
EGBERT: Well, yeah. Most humans probably couldn't handle it, even if they got over the whole hang-up about one kind of love. But, I mean, what's being a god for, if not withstanding really crazy sex injuries? 

[Mr. Egbert gives me a wan smile, clearly uncomfortable with the subject. Whether it's the mention of sex, or his godhood, though, I cannot say.]

INTERVIEWER: There it is again, love.   
EGBERT: Heh, yeah. There it is.  
EGBERT: I guess it is some kind of love, even if it feels really weird to call it that. Like saying I love my friends, and even though I know it's true, it feels weird because everybody's gonna think I mean something different than what I really mean.   
EGBERT: Actually, I loved Karkat like that, before all, this. I guess I still do!  
EGBERT: Maybe you have to love your kismesis to hate them right.

INTERVIEWER: Hurting eachother isn't the purpose then?  
VANTAS: No, asswipe, it's just a byproduct, the purpose—listen, did you really ask me here to school you on romance, because while I'm a self-styled expert, anyone within a two-hundred mile radius could tell you I'm also an annoying loudmouthed idiot whose presence can barely be tolerated for the few short seconds it takes to run away screaming.  
INTERVIEWER: You seem to have a very low opinion of yourself.  
VANTAS: No fucking shit, flesh-eating-wormbeast breath. Stop the presses, tell them they've got a new cover story, "Karkat Vantas' self-esteem has sunk so low it's collapsed in on itself and created a new black hole, kiss your pathetic life goodbye because it's going to get sucked into the gaping maw of the tiniest angriest Napoleonic fucker to ever live, at least that will be an improvement over the empty shell you currently call a life," oh wait, can't run that, that was _last_ week's breaking news.  
INTERVIEWER: Does Mr. Egbert know you feel this way about yourself?  
VANTAS: Listen, can you stop calling him Mister Egbert already, it makes me think of his dad, and that shit's just unnatural.   
INTERVIEWER: I'm sorry. Does John know you feel this way about yourself?  
VANTAS: Hell no, and if Harley ever tells him I'll dump her pitiable ass in a second, or I would if I could even hope to find someone half as fucking messed up as her.  
INTERVIEWER: Miss Harley—Mr., John's sister?  
VANTAS: Seriously, did you do absolutely no research before you came out here? Did they just pull some random human off the street, slap a hat on, pronounce you a representative of journalism? Yes John's goddamn sister, she's my matesprit, or girlfriend, or whatever. It's complicated.  
INTERVIEWER: And John is okay with you dating his sister?  
VANTAS: Why would I _give a fuck_ if he's okay with it???

EGBERT: Of course I'm okay with it! They're actually really cute together, you should see it.  
INTERVIEWER: There's no cause for jealousy?  
EGBERT: Why would there be? We're in totally different quadrants, fulfilling different needs! If you're looking for jealousy, you'd be more likely to find it between moirails and matesprits, but Jade and Gamzee are fine with eachother. Jade's a lot more confrontational than most matesprits, sometimes I think she'd have made a better kismesis than me!  
INTERVIEWER: Have you ever discovered what triggered your sudden relationship with Mr. Vantas?  
EGBERT: No, I just woke up one day, and bam! Wanted to split his lip and lick the blood up, you know?  
INTERVIEWER: Er, can't say that I do.  
EGBERT: Well duh, of course not. I'm the only known human in a kismesis relationship with a troll. That's why you're doing this interview, right?  
INTERVIEWER: That, and the unusual circumstances surrounding the beginning of your relationship with Mr. Vantas.  
EGBERT: Heh, it's not all that unusual! I mean I guess it is, but also that I feel like Karkat and I were destined to be together, or something! It's kind of weird that I didn't even consider myself gay, and then I just woke up the next day feeling so strongly for Karkat, but this relationship is one of the best things to ever happen to me, so why would I _want_ to examine it?

VANTAS: He said that?  
INTERVIEWER: He seemed pretty adamant about it.  
VANTAS: Then he's even more of a pathetic fuck than I thought. God, I could just _crush his skull in_.  
INTERVIEWER: Because he's happy with this relationship?  
VANTAS: I knew he was moronic, but this? Actually being joyful about the sack of shit he got saddled with as a kismesis, all glowing about it and bragging to complete strangers and, fuck, just, _fuck_.  
INTERVIEWER: Is it because you don't like him being happy?  
VANTAS: Of course I want him to be happy, I just don't want him to be happy with me, except I do, and I also want him miserable and crying and twisted tighter than a virgin's nook in pain, which hey, he actually has a shot of accomplishing within the scope of this relationship, whoop-de-fucking-do.   
INTERVIEWER: How do you reconcile these warring desires?  
VANTAS: They're not warring, they're the same thing.  
INTERVIEWER: I don't understand.  
VANTAS: Of course you don't. None of you fuckers get it. Look, listen up, because if I have to explain this one more time my scream of frustration will be so long and loud that it will shatter the eardrums of every pink money on the planet, leaving no one left to even give a fuck about what I have to say, wouldn't _that_ be a change of pace.  
VANTAS: Wanting Egbert to be happy and wanting to beat his face in isn't finding the corner on a circle. It's what we _are_. It's how we define ourselves against eachother, me and him. Wanting the other to succeed, pushing them to go farther, and then clawing them back down when they actually manage it.

[Like allowing me into his home, Mr. Egbert's welcoming attitude extended to allowing the crew to set up several hidden cameras in his house. He did, however, advise us to keep things a secret from Mr. Vantas, giving a wink and a playful "Shhhh," fingers placed over his lips.]

[Mr. Vantas stands at the end of Mr. Egbert's couch. Mr. Egbert faces him, several feet away, expression openly mocking and derisive. Mr. Vantas is visibly angry, face taking on a red tinge and hands balled into fists.]

EGBERT: And you think that means something? Wow, you really are dumb.  
VANTAS: Shut the fuck up, you don't even know what you're talking about. I earned that title out of hundreds of contestants—  
EGBERT: Who probably all got the same title as you! "We would like to award you a certificate of Literary Merit for your contribution"? That's so generic and dull, it's almost like _you_ wrote it.  
VANTAS: Oh, I'm sorry, maybe it would have been worth something more if it said "I'm so proud of you."

[Mr. Egbert advances on Mr. Vantas, forcing him to lean back against the arm of the couch.]

EGBERT: You take that back.  
VANTAS: Wow, talk about mangrit, even the old man would cringe in embarrassment at the way you're pussyfooting around, can't even take a bit of harsh truth? Here, how bout this, we take a quick nap and I'll ask him—  
EGBERT: Or maybe I'll ask your cat girlfriend who's the better man, huh, who could've protected her from the psycho murder-clown that was supposed to be his responsibility—  
VANTAS: Says the guy who couldn't even be responsible for himself, let a fucking blind girl—  
EGBERT: The same blind girl you got killed—  
VANTAS: That wasn't even me you dumb shit, that was a doomed timeline—  
EGBERT: —just goes to prove that Karkat Vantas is an incalculable failure in every timeline!  
VANTAS: At least in some of my timelines, I actually managed to keep the people I care about alive!

[With an inarticulate cry, Mr. Egbert drives Mr. Vantas back onto the couch. They proceed to pull and rip at eachother's clothing amidst violent kisses, drawing blood and continuing to berate eachother when feasible.]

EGBERT: No you [pant], didn't, that's the fucking point.  
VANTAS: That's fate [pant] fucking [pant] me over. Again.  
EGBERT: Fate only fucks you [pant] if you let her.  
VANTAS: I know.  
EGBERT: Do you?  
VANTAS: I _know_.  
EGBERT: Good. Pound that into your [pant] brain, while I'm pounding it into your ass. 

[The sound of a zipper sliding down.]

VANTAS: Shut up.  
EGBERT: Make me.  
VANTAS: Don't, [pant] challenge me.  
EGBERT: Because you couldn't, [low sound] live up to it even if you tried?  
VANTAS: Fuck you.  
EGBERT: No, fuck you!  
VANTAS: Shut up and let me!  
EGBERT: Work for it!

[Inarticulate snarling]

VANTAS: He's fucking me.  
INTERVIEWER: Pardon?  
VANTAS: Get your mind off the musclebeast train, not like that, though yeah, like that.   
VANTAS: Look, I know you pathetic pukes hate yourselves, don't even try to get around that, half your fucking economy is built on hating yourself. So you should know what I mean when I talk about wanting yourself to succeed, and wanting to utterly destroy yourself because you don't _deserve_ to succeed. Egbert being happy with me is about the sorriest thing I ever heard, because he's basically saying all he deserves is me, which means all I deserve is me, and I'm a rotten fuck, in case that wasn't crystallized-carbon-fucking-clear.  
VANTAS: We're basically perfect for eachother, and that's pathetic as shit.

EGBERT: He really said that?  
INTERVIEWER: That was the gist of it.  
EGBERT: Aw, what a sweetheart! Tell him I said I can do _way_ better than him.  
[faintly] VANTAS: I can hear you, you oblivious fuck!  
[shouting] EGBERT: Doesn't change what I said!  
[faintly] VANTAS: Fuck off!  
[shouting] EGBERT: Save that for the bedroom! 

[smiles]

EGBERT: You sure I can't get you something to drink?


End file.
